Bacon and Alligators
by HamhaPHKFan
Summary: After a mission gone awry leaves the children and Optimus in the base alone, Miko decides that the three of them are going to teach Optimus some human phrases to pass the time.


The base was completely silent. There were only four living creatures in the main room, and in the base entirely. Three human children sat on a large couch, each left to their own devices. Rafael sat at the end of the couch, his laptop resting comfortably on his lap, looking through conspiracy websites for pictures taken of the Autobots. Jack sat next to Rafael, watching the twelve year old do his magic. Miko sat on the other end, hunched over with her chin resting in her hand, looking completely uninterested in everything that was going on.

"I'm bored." Miko complained, throwing her head back against the cushions. "Why is _Optimus_ the only 'Bot who didn't have to go to this stupid meeting?"

Jack looked over at her with an 'are you kidding me' expression on his face. His eyes found themselves drifting to the Autobot in question, who was standing in front of the main consoles, overlooking the screens. He had a very serious expression, unusual only in the fact that it was much more stern than normal. A permanent frown etched itself on his faceplate, he was making so little noise that if he weren't in the childrens line of sight then they wouldn't know if he was still in the room.

It was also likely that he had heard what Miko had said, and that it did not make him feel any better.

"Because he was the only Autobot who wasn't there when the museum blew up." Jack responded with a completely deadpan tone, as if he had already answered the question more than once before.

Rafael looked up from his computer, up to his female friend. "The reason they didn't make him come too is probably because it was already closed down for a few years and there wasn't anything left inside."

That was indeed the case. General Brice wanted to deal with the Autobots who caused the destruction, for once not deciding to blame everything on the leader. That is what had Optimus in such a bad mood. To stop the Decepticons from completing whatever task they had planned, he had given orders, and in the enacting of those orders was the museum destroyed. He believed himself to be the one at fault, and he was not happy with the fact that his Autobots were taking the fall.

Of course, Miko didn't know that, so she just thought that grumpy Optimus Prime was being more grumpy than usual. An idea popped into her head, one that would most certainly rid her of her boredom. She looked over to Optimus and inspected him. He was still standing in front of the monitors, with a nearly unreadable look on his faceplate, though he was obviously upset.

Rafael saw the mischievous glint in Miko's eye, and he nudged Jack lightly with his shoulder. Jack looked to Rafael in confusion, and the twelve year old nodded towards their friend. Jack followed the boy genius' gaze, then saw exactly what Rafael had hoped he wasn't seeing. Jack shook his head slowly, keeping his voice low. "Miko."

Miko didn't look away from her target. "Yeah?"

"Miko, no." Jack continued, trying to stop what he knew wasn't a good idea.

Miko chuckled very quietly, expression unchanged as she kicked out to gain momentum, then hopped up from her sitting position. "Miko, yes."

"Miko, _don't._" Jack pressed, placing a hand on Miko's shoulder and pulling her back down onto the couch. "He's _clearly_ not in the mood."

"That's why we gotta cheer him up!" Miko countered, taking a hold of Jack's hand and jumping up off of the cushion again, yanking Jack up along with her and making him stumble. "We're here for moral support, aren't we? Let's do what we're supposed to do."

Miko dragged Jack over to the edge of the catwalk against his will, Rafael watching the events from where he was seated, not even bothering to try and stop Miko, which would be a completely futile effort. Miko let go of Jack once she reached the railing and placed her hands on it, standing on the tips of her toes as if that would make her more noticeable.

"Hey, Optimus!" Miko yelled much louder than necessary. Optimus tore his optics from the monitors and looked at the loud speaker. "Wanna learn about some human culture?"

Optimus watched Miko for a second with an unchanged expression. He glanced to Jack and Rafael, who were both giving him apologetic and sympathetic looks.

"I am afraid I am indisposed at the moment." Optimus replied in his normal stern tone, returning his sights to the screens in front of him.

"They're not gonna call for, like, an hour." Miko scoffed, waving a hand in a sarcastic motion. She tried to think of a way to convince the Prime to entertain her just long enough for the others to return, since the only thing he had been doing since then was glaring at screens like they were going to answer him if he stared hard and long enough. Miko shrugged. "We can at least pass the time doing _something_ productive."

Miko put on her best innocent face that always worked on her host parents. Optimus turned to look at her again. He watched her for a brief second, looking her over. Her act was not fooling him, because he didn't notice it, not thinking that tricking him was something she would even bother to do.

Optimus glanced back to the monitors for a moment longer, then after what seemed like forever in Miko time, he finally turned to face her fully and slowly walked over to the catwalk where Miko and the two boys were spending most their time.

Miko silently cheered at her victory. She didn't notice Jack beginning to walk back over to the couch, though he only stood near it instead of sitting down. Miko placed her hands on her hips, looking at the Prime expectantly. "What's shakin', bacon?"

Optimus seemed to freeze up at that, clearly not knowing how to respond. "Pardon?"

Miko raised an eyebrow, but her smirk didn't falter. "I said, 'what is shakin', bacon'?"

Optimus remained still, staring at Miko while trying to process what was being said to him. After nearly a full minute of silence, Optimus voiced his confusion. "I do not understand."

"Nothing much, double dutch!" Miko jumped up and stood straight, pointing towards Optimus as if she had told the most clever joke of all time. Optimus blinked, still clearly not comprehending what was being said to him. Miko remained in her position with an overly happy grin still plastered on her face.

The staring contest lasted for over a minute.

"C'mon! It means 'what's up?'!" Miko said exasperatedly after finally giving up. When Optimus still looked uncertain, tilting his head ever so slightly, Miko slouched forwards as she explained what she had thought was everyday speech. "Which means 'what are you doing', or 'how are you'."

Miko huffed.

"If someone says 'what's shakin', bacon', then you say, 'nothing much, double dutch'." Miko continued, annoyed. "This is, like, universal knowledge. Doesn't the Matrix hold common lingo?"

Slowly, Optimus shook his head. Miko groaned obnoxiously.

"Let's try it again." Miko huffed once more. All of a sudden her expression completely switched, from frown to large grin. She took on her previous excited pose, finger pointing and all. "What's shakin', bacon?"

Optimus was quiet for a short while, looking oddly innocent, before he finally spoke.

"Nothing much, double dutch." He repeated carefully, though his response sounded more like a question than a statement. Miko nodded, a pleased smirk on her face. Rafael and Jack both looked on with wide eyes, surprised to hear something so unsophisticated come out of Optimus' mouth.

"Right, and when saying bye, you go; 'see you later, alligator'." Miko continued. Seeing that Optimus was about to respond in a way she didn't want, Miko raised her hands up in a gesture for him to stop. "Don't start saying; 'but I'm not an alligator' or something, okay? This is just a thing people say."

Miko then stopped speaking and placed her hands on her hips once again. She and Optimus had a short and non-threatening staring match, one expectant and one conflicted. Miko turned an ear to Optimus to see if he would get the hint. He seemed to understand, and he said what he thought Miko wanted him to say. "See you later, alligator."

"In a while, crocodile." Miko finished, looking way too proud of herself. She bounced lightly on her feet, hands held out in an 'I told you so' gesture. "See? See what I did there?"

Jack and Rafael were shocked about was the fact that Optimus was actually going along with what _Miko_ wanted him to do. The stern, serious, no fun and games Prime was listening to, and repeating, childish rhymes. The same Prime who wouldn't even look at a mars cat picture for five seconds, even when it managed to amuse _Ratchet_, of all Autobots. Though, the thing that surprised them most was that his expression was unusually calm and light.

Miko waved to the two boys observing from the couch, though she kept her eyes on the Prime. "C'mon, give me something else."

There was a long beat of silence.

"Say goodbye, pumpkin pie?" Rafael suggested, relenting. Jack turned to glare at him for giving more fuel to the fire, and Rafael could only wince and shrug under his gaze. He closed his laptop and stiffly placed it on the table. "My mom says that to me sometimes."

Miko frowned and shook her head. "Nah, that one's too kiddish."

"And the ones you're teaching him aren't?" Jack asked sarcastically.

"Exactly." Miko answered with a firm nod. Jack threw his hands in the air in defeat and fell back into the couch.

"Next time you see Megatron, you can pick him up and throw him saying, 'out the door, dinosaur'!" Miko preformed each action as she said them aloud, lifting an imaginary and much scaled down Megatron and tossing him towards the base exit. Optimus' optics followed her movements, and even watched the nonexistent Megatron fly over to the other side of the base. He returned his gaze to Miko, still looking rather unsure.

Miko looked back to the boys expectantly. After a while, Rafael looked up to Optimus and gave a hesitant wave. "Bye bye, butterfly."

Miko turned around with a grin and held a hand out towards Rafael dramatically. "Don't go, buffalo!"

Rafael smiled and shook his head, joining in the theatrics. "Can't stay, blue jay!"

Miko ran over and nearly tackled Rafael in a hug, barely lifting him off of the ground. "Here's a hug, ladybug!"

Rafael laughed cheerfully, clearly having a good time. Miko chuckled along with him. Optimus watched the two children having fun, and a soft smile formed on his faceplate.

"Okie dokie, smokie." Jack finally offered, his chin resting on his hand as he slouched. The other three lifeforms went silent, staring at him. Jack raised his hands in the air defensively. "Hey, it's one you could actually use, and it would make sense on Smokescreen."

Miko snorted and dropped Rafael back onto the couch. "Yeah, but that's too obvious. It's not funny."

Just as things were beginning to get entertaining for the kids, the main console beeped expectantly. Optimus' expression instantly hardened and he turned towards the screens, walking over to them and leaving the children behind.

"Our big Prime is growing up," Miko said fondly. Then she looked slightly confused as she tried to form her next sentence. "Into a... bigger... Prime."

Jack and Rafael merely glanced at her, used to the rather strange things that she would end up saying. Miko looked back at them and shrugged in an uncaring gesture.

By the time they looked back up to Optimus, the GroundBridge burst to life in a spiral of green and blue light. The rest of the Autobots filed in, none of them looking pleased. Optimus' frown returned. It was likely that General Brice had gone harder on them than necessary.

Miko hopped down the steps as Bulkhead entered last and the portal closed behind him. She nearly tripped once she reached the bottom, though she managed to stabilize herself at the last second. Miko began treading slightly lighter, stopping at her guardian's feet. She noticed his unhappy expression, and she gained one of her own, before remembering what she had said she was supposed to do and quickly smirked.

"Yo, Ratch'." Miko called, either not noticing the medic's mood or not caring. She stuck a thumb out behind her. "'Bridge me and Bulk' down to the monster truck arena?"

Ratchet did not look happy with the nickname he was called. He turned to give her what Miko had dubbed the 'Ratchet Glare', and Miko quickly put on a sweet act once again.

"Please?"

Ratchet rolled his optics, apparently too tired and worn out to care about anything at that point. He entered coordinates into the main console and pulled a lever, booting up the GroundBridge once again.

Bulkhead looked thankful, and he transformed into his vehicle mode, opening his passenger door eagerly. Miko jumped inside, his seatbelt strapping itself across her. Once his charge was secure, Bulkhead spun around sped towards the portal. Just before they reached it, Miko placed a firm hand on his dashboard.

"Wait a minute." Miko ordered, and Bulkhead stopped in an instant. Miko opened his window and stuck her head through, waving a hand loosely as she looked up at Optimus. "See you later, alligator."

Optimus' optics lit up in recognition, and Miko nearly laughed out loud at the glow akin to a five year old being asked to recite the alphabet and getting excited from actually knowing what to say. "In a while, crocodile."

Miko smiled, and with that, she put the window back up and patted Bulkhead's interior as an okay to go, though he didn't start right away, apparently in shock, before obeying and speeding through the portal and out of sight.

Optimus had expected the GroundBridge to vanish as soon as they left, but he soon realized that no one had closed it. He looked back to the rest of his team.

The base was completely silent. The other Autobots stared at Optimus like he just spat all over himself. Everyone besides Ratchet looked shocked, while Ratchet just looked surprised, like it was something he hadn't seen in a long time and didn't expect to see again. The others had mouths hanging open, optics wide and disbelieving.

Optimus apparently didn't understand why his team was acting in such a manner. He turned to the remaining children questioningly. "Did I say it incorrectly?"

Rafael put a hand over his mouth to keep himself from bursting out laughing. Jack also had trouble hiding his chuckles, but he managed to push them down into a smirk.

"No." Jack managed to say with a nearly straight face. "No, you did just fine."

Optimus nodded, then after glancing over his Autobots with a slightly confused expression, he walked over to stand next to Ratchet, the only one who seemed to not have any trouble getting over the shock, and the only one who actually looked slightly happier than he did a few minutes before.

The rest of Team Prime watched for a little while longer, then turned and stared at Jack and Rafael expectantly. Jack shrugged, while Rafael pushed himself into the couch to make himself look smaller.

They knew that they were going to have to explain this.


End file.
